This really resonated. I was shocked by how many people didn't reach out and why I suddenly became the Perahia in the room. I felt like I had to keep explaining that I left to save myself - why judge me for that? I did get support but, yes, when the dust settled, I was forgotten because it was easier for some people to move on with their "steady" lives. It all hurts and is rather shocking. One friend admitted she never knows what to do; I told her to make sure she does something. Start by acknowledging someone's divorce with even a text. "I am here." You would do the same if someone died, right? Actually, you would probably do more. There is a story inside of me somewhere, but I am struggling to put it into words. Well done - a nice succinct list everyone should read because, sadly, we all know divorced people.
Thank you for this note! I agree. We need to start a Substack divorced moms group! Anyhow, I'm getting older, and one of the things I now believe is that people are tribal by nature. And when you get divorced, you leave the tribe. It's threatening. And people worry that divorce is contagious. And if they look the other way and condemn the divorce (and the mom involved), it will somehow protect them. I absolutely love your reply to your friend - it's perfect! And yes, I have widowed friends who admit openly that some divorces are harder than the death of a spouse - mostly because of how the world treats you afterwards. I think we just need to keep talking and writing about these issues! xx, P
I have a good book for friends with children considering divorce! Soul Custody: Sparing Children from Divorce. I wrote it as a way to not be innocent bystander to our friends pursuing escapist divorces!
This really resonated. I was shocked by how many people didn't reach out and why I suddenly became the Perahia in the room. I felt like I had to keep explaining that I left to save myself - why judge me for that? I did get support but, yes, when the dust settled, I was forgotten because it was easier for some people to move on with their "steady" lives. It all hurts and is rather shocking. One friend admitted she never knows what to do; I told her to make sure she does something. Start by acknowledging someone's divorce with even a text. "I am here." You would do the same if someone died, right? Actually, you would probably do more. There is a story inside of me somewhere, but I am struggling to put it into words. Well done - a nice succinct list everyone should read because, sadly, we all know divorced people.
Thank you for this note! I agree. We need to start a Substack divorced moms group! Anyhow, I'm getting older, and one of the things I now believe is that people are tribal by nature. And when you get divorced, you leave the tribe. It's threatening. And people worry that divorce is contagious. And if they look the other way and condemn the divorce (and the mom involved), it will somehow protect them. I absolutely love your reply to your friend - it's perfect! And yes, I have widowed friends who admit openly that some divorces are harder than the death of a spouse - mostly because of how the world treats you afterwards. I think we just need to keep talking and writing about these issues! xx, P
I have a good book for friends with children considering divorce! Soul Custody: Sparing Children from Divorce. I wrote it as a way to not be innocent bystander to our friends pursuing escapist divorces!
This is such a good resource! I think it applicable in so many situations, not just divorce.
Thank you so much, Brenda!